amazes me how quickly a mood can change....

when you have to bury your nose in a book you really like to keep from crying when you leave somewhere (one.  or in this case four) you know you really love em.  such was the case today when i got picked up from the one place that i truly feel i belong.  wish i could really describe the feeling i get when im at that house.  but i cant.  one of those matters of the heart i guess. why it is i love this woman so much and her kids is, as odd as this may sound, beyond me honestly. i have been in love with other women before i met her and been around kids, but my patience with the kids has always been real short.  with hers i truly want to be there for them and be around them and my patience is greatly expanded,  although i did lose it a little with the youngest today and felt bad about it immediately.  i truly do look forward to my time with them and when im there i do what i can to help them out with whatever they may be doing or in brandons case making sure i set time aside to play with him.  thats something ive never done before.  same thing with making sure i support them when they have extracirricular activities going on.  i went out of my way to show my support to them (which shocks the hell out of the oldest)  i want to make sure they know that someone really cares about what they do.  even if theres other things that i could and sometimes need to be doing,  i take the time to show my support.  as far as the other women ive been involved with, ive always been able to get over them within a month or so of breaking it off, even staying in contact with them as a friend. one of them is now married.  lol  but amy is different.  weve been on again off again since almost the day we met.  despite our disagreements which should have ended even our friendship (which says how strong that part of it is)  i cant get her out of my mind or my dreams at night.  something about her keeps pulling me in no matter what i try to do to let it go.  i just cant do it.  ive never felt as strongly for someone as i do her.  i get physically and emotionally sick anytime i try to take anything beyond a normal friendship.  i havent been with anyone in bed since her on my birthday in 2010 and to be honest unless its her, i wont ever again. its even at a point now that when i need relief i wont use any other stimulus other than my imagination or the pics and vids of her that i have. i wont betray my heart, even if it means being alone all my life.