this is mainly a journal of the day but as this is the first post it will include some things that have run through my mind over a bit of time. first off a summary of the days events. not an overly exciting day as most of it was taken up by class. gotta love those necessary evils, but it gets me towards taking care of things and upping my support for someone that ive always tried to be there for the last couple years. weve done more for each other than anyone has a right to have done for them. and i know on my end im really appreciative of it. anyhow on with the day. i got up earlier than i really wanted to although for when i went to bed i cant really complain. got up about three and hopped on facebook to get some cartown jobs complete while i finished wakin up. then did a couple discussion board posts for school that are due tonight. got them done (bleck. now i remember why i wanted a mechanical major) then threw in some beef stew for breakfast and my hockey game on my ps3. about that time the one i love got up and we started our daily yahoo chatting. always something to look forward to. :) from there got back onto the school site and finished off two quizzes for my business class leaving just one thing left for the day as far as school was concerned. at the suggestion of my best friend (and thats still not high enough praise) i decided to hop in the bath for the first time since grade school. idea being to try to let the hot water soothe out the muscles. hopped in there for about 45 minutes tryin to relax. it helped minimally which ill take, but the most i got out of it was a clean body. which is a good thing. lol got into a couple spades tournaments after that and won one of em. then moved back onto my hockey game for another couple games. blues dominate, baby! lol. i know only in the virtual world although the real team has the potential. after that just kind of sat around with my mind going at transwarp speed for awhile, details of which will come in a bit. got my brains calmed down enough to do the last bit of homework i had to get done. three chapters to read and discussion posts to do. bleckity bleck bleck bleck. but at least its all done now till the next week. lol. since then its been writing this thing so that covers the action of the day. pretty uneventful. highlight of it being chatting with the one i love. which brings me to what my mind likes to wander to if it has a spare microsecond or in my dreams.
met a girl a little over two years ago now. im still trying to figure out what possessed me to go to the bar that night to begin with as at that time i wasnt much for the bar scene at all, and who i thought was the dj for the night wasnt one i was overly fond of. anyhow...i walk in the place and see someone new at the dials. i wont say it was love at first sight as i dont believe in that but there was a connection right away that i have never felt before or since. one of those inexplicable things. over the course of time we developed a very strong friendship thats withstood more shit than a friendship has any right of surviving. we have both told each other that if ANYONE else had done the things that we have to each other whether intentionally or not, wed have pretty much said see ya and never seen the other again. but something always has drawn us back together. weve explored a romantic relationship on two occasions although the first was real short lived. the second time around got a little more serious. to the point we bandied about possibly getting together permanently sometime down the road if things played out right. she has three absolutely amazing children that i would still be happy to call mine. thing is she's also married (on paper anyway, in her heart it aint there. or at least not wholeheartedly) while she did (and i still believe does in some capacity still has) strong feelings for me, outside of the two stints we were together, she has tried to convince me to move on to someone else. while i cant argue the logic of it, something inside me even now doesnt allow me to. anytime i try (and i have on several occasions after our second break. between the first and second i just bided my time) to pick up on someone else beyond a casual friendship, i always, ALWAYS, wind up feeling guilty about even making an attempt at it. i know im not betraying her at all, but its still a betrayal of my true feelings in my heart. im again at the point where i dont even look to get with anyone else. even though i know my chance of being with her is slim. she doesnt quite believe it but she is a major factor in my still being alive. earlier this year i was in such a deep state of depression that i was ready to die. the ONLY thing that kept me going was knowing the pain i would cause her if i did what i planned to do. at that point we were talking sparingly due to various things, but she was always on my mind and in my dreams and the thought of what it would do to her stayed my hand on many an occasion. thats the one bit of my humanity i had left at that point in time. after the betrayal of someone i thought was a friend and i actually had time to think without distraction and straighten my head out, she was the first person i went to see. and got an earful from her when i knocked on the door. found out that she had been trying to find out what happened to me over the course of the days prior and during my arrest. that served to reinforce what i always felt for her. since then ive tried my best to support her in anyway i could with what resources i have. weve made use of each others shoulders when we had issues and knew it would never get past the other. that kind of trust you dont find just anywhere. she is the one i love and the one i want to spend my life with. if only i could....
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