conflicted

of late my heart seems to be pulled in two directions.  my core feelings still hold on the one that they have been with for the last couple years and i still wear the ring and abide by the vow i made.  but in the last month or so theres another that has put a dent in the wall i put up around my heart.  i dont know how any of this may turn out but it leaves me a little unsettled.

job musings

i begin to wonder if i got canned without being told.  i had one slip in the almost three years ive worked for the guy and havent had a show since.  the next week some new guy takes over(and doesnt do all hes supposed to but hopefully he learns)  then i was told to keep a day open for work and wind up spending that day home twiddling my thumbs.  what the hell is going on?

answer to a question that was asked of me awhile ago

after a royal screw up i made some time ago and adding a couple streets to a roadmap (which thankfully have blended in with the rest of it now so it cant be read) i posted up a new status on a messenger program from a song that i like.  upon being asked about it i refrained from telling her what it was about as i wasnt sure how to explain it.  upon reflection, the core reason is the same but ive been able to expand on it a bit to encompass other things.  the core behind it is a constant desire to be with someone that quite frankly due to life circumstances is very difficult to be with.  the lyric depicts someone thats in love with someone that barely notices him and reflects his desire to get close.  while not the same with me in the strictest sense as i am best friends with this person, the desire to be closer than i am an not be able to is still very much there.  theres a part of me i have to close off just about anytime im around anyone at all to keep from issues coming up.  the peripheral i think is taking that on a more worldly scale.  ive always been a loner so im used to solitude, but ive also found that whether intentionally or not i get left out of alot by other people and that gets me down at times.  part of that i can attribute to my present circumstances but i still would like to know that i am noticed and cared about once in awhile other than when i happen to be around.  ah well.  life is what life is and im sure God will point in the right direction for what He has put me here for.  one thing im confused about is something thats happened a couple times over the last week or so.  the person im in love with, we have shared some shall we say "interesting" camera time.  while im not complaining in the least about it, i wonder why she has chosen now to do this.  i enjoy the time we share and treasure it as much as possible whether just a friendly chat or other things so i dont question it.  shes been more of a friend to me than anyone ive known (and sincerely hopes it stays that way.  i value what she has to offer in that capacity) and the one i love with all my heart.  i still fall asleep each night with my arms around a pillow and an image of her in my mind, whether i want it there or not.  thats about the crux of it.

other happenings going on.  i think i finally got this poker thing figured out.  ive learned patience can be quite valuable at the table and the standing show it.  schoolwise its just about semesters end.  one class is already done and im borderline on passing it (fucking speeches.  lol) but the other three are going quite well.  nice thing is three of these classes transfer over to the new major i just changed to.  hopefully i can get some of the classes for it done this summer so ill be set financially.  if i can do that ill be set.  school will be good, legal bullshit will be done and in a year and a half to two years ill have a degree in a field that pays well and that i half enjoy.  well see what happens :-) 

benefits of double checking

im glad i double check some things afore they come due.  if i hadnt id have been out a thousand beans.  time to certify my enrollment for school and called to make sure the form i put in to change my direct deposit account went through.  come to find out they were ready to ship the money off to an account that doesnt exist anymore.  glad i got that straightened out quick

ah the joys of school....bleck

now i remember why i wanted to go into a mechanical field of study.  i hate schoolwork.  lol.  ive always been good at it.  maintained straight a's for the most part all through school.  just never really liked doing it.  ah well one of those neccesary evils to get places in this world.  least after this semester the blah shit will be out of the way.  four classes im not fond of in one round though isnt good on my insanity.  least my first speech is a subject i like talking about.  a good female friend of mine :-)  now just have to figure out what im going to write a belief paper about.  that one will wrack my brain for awhile.  while i can see my business class being useful it doesnt make it any more enjoyable.  very dry reading.  bleck.  my government class can get interesting though.  some of the political stuff that comes up makes for some interesting arguments on the discussion board.  only 14 more weeks.....

amazes me how quickly a mood can change....

when you have to bury your nose in a book you really like to keep from crying when you leave somewhere (one.  or in this case four) you know you really love em.  such was the case today when i got picked up from the one place that i truly feel i belong.  wish i could really describe the feeling i get when im at that house.  but i cant.  one of those matters of the heart i guess. why it is i love this woman so much and her kids is, as odd as this may sound, beyond me honestly. i have been in love with other women before i met her and been around kids, but my patience with the kids has always been real short.  with hers i truly want to be there for them and be around them and my patience is greatly expanded,  although i did lose it a little with the youngest today and felt bad about it immediately.  i truly do look forward to my time with them and when im there i do what i can to help them out with whatever they may be doing or in brandons case making sure i set time aside to play with him.  thats something ive never done before.  same thing with making sure i support them when they have extracirricular activities going on.  i went out of my way to show my support to them (which shocks the hell out of the oldest)  i want to make sure they know that someone really cares about what they do.  even if theres other things that i could and sometimes need to be doing,  i take the time to show my support.  as far as the other women ive been involved with, ive always been able to get over them within a month or so of breaking it off, even staying in contact with them as a friend. one of them is now married.  lol  but amy is different.  weve been on again off again since almost the day we met.  despite our disagreements which should have ended even our friendship (which says how strong that part of it is)  i cant get her out of my mind or my dreams at night.  something about her keeps pulling me in no matter what i try to do to let it go.  i just cant do it.  ive never felt as strongly for someone as i do her.  i get physically and emotionally sick anytime i try to take anything beyond a normal friendship.  i havent been with anyone in bed since her on my birthday in 2010 and to be honest unless its her, i wont ever again. its even at a point now that when i need relief i wont use any other stimulus other than my imagination or the pics and vids of her that i have. i wont betray my heart, even if it means being alone all my life. 

sleep deprived thought of the day

which coincidentally involves sleep.  or lack thereof.  think over the last year i can count how many nights ive had a full of run of rest on one hand.  one day i may understand my bodys apparent need for lack of sleep.  over the last several months theres even been a number of instances of staying up two to three days straight.  and not cause i was busy.  just couldnt sleep.  then theres been alot of things like last night.  i missed the third period of the blues game cause i was so tired.  lo and behold i wake up three hours later.  fuck this shit.....  i miss my sleep

musings of the day and other things that come to mind

this is mainly a journal of the day but as this is the first post it will include some things that have run through my mind over a bit of time.  first off a summary of the days events.  not an overly exciting day as most of it was taken up by class.  gotta love those necessary evils, but it gets me towards taking care of things and upping my support for someone that ive always tried to be there for the last couple years.  weve done more for each other than anyone has a right to have done for them.  and i know on my end im really appreciative of it. anyhow on with the day.  i got up earlier than i really wanted to although for when i went to bed i cant really complain.   got up about three and hopped on facebook to get some cartown jobs complete while i finished wakin up.  then did a couple discussion board posts for school that are due tonight.  got them done (bleck.  now i remember why i wanted a mechanical major) then threw in some beef stew for breakfast and my hockey game on my ps3.  about that time the one i love got up and we started our daily yahoo chatting.  always something to look forward to.  :)  from there got back onto the school site and finished off two quizzes for my business class leaving just one thing left for the day as far as school was concerned.  at the suggestion of my best friend (and thats still not high enough praise) i decided to hop in the bath for the first time since grade school.  idea being to try to let the hot water soothe out the muscles.  hopped in there for about 45 minutes tryin to relax.  it helped minimally which ill take, but the most i got out of it was a clean body.  which is a good thing.  lol  got into a couple spades tournaments after that and won one of em.  then moved back onto my hockey game for another couple games.  blues dominate, baby!  lol.  i know only in the virtual world although the real team has the potential.  after that just kind of sat around with my mind going at transwarp speed for awhile, details of which will come in a bit.  got my brains calmed down enough to do the last bit of homework i had to get done.  three chapters to read and discussion posts to do.  bleckity bleck bleck bleck.  but at least its all done now till the next week.  lol.  since then its been writing this thing so that covers the action of the day.  pretty uneventful.  highlight of it being chatting with the one i love.  which brings me to what my mind likes to wander to if it has a spare microsecond or in my dreams.

   met a girl a little over two years ago now.  im still trying to figure out what possessed me to go to the bar that night to begin with as at that time i wasnt much for the bar scene at all, and who i thought was the dj for the night wasnt one i was overly fond of.  anyhow...i walk in the place and see someone new at the dials. i wont say it was love at first sight as i dont believe in that but there was a connection right away that i have never felt before or since.  one of those inexplicable things. over the course of time we developed a very strong friendship thats withstood more shit than a friendship has any right of surviving.  we have both told each other that if ANYONE else had done the things that we have to each other whether intentionally or not,  wed have pretty much said see ya and never seen the other again.  but something always has drawn us back together.  weve explored a romantic relationship on two occasions although the first was real short lived.  the second time around got a little more serious.  to the point we bandied about possibly getting together permanently sometime down the road if things played out right.  she has three absolutely amazing children that i would still be happy to call mine.  thing is she's also married (on paper anyway,  in her heart it aint there.  or at least not wholeheartedly)  while she did (and i still believe does in some capacity still has) strong feelings for me, outside of the two stints we were together, she has tried to convince me to move on to someone else.  while i cant argue the logic of it,  something inside me even now doesnt allow me to.  anytime i try (and i have on several occasions after our second break.  between the first and second i just bided my time)  to pick up on someone else beyond a casual friendship, i always, ALWAYS, wind up feeling guilty about even making an attempt at it.  i know im not betraying her at all, but  its still a betrayal of my true feelings in my heart.   im again at the point where i dont even look to get with anyone else.  even though i know my chance of being with her is slim. she doesnt quite believe it but she is a major factor in my still being alive.  earlier this year i was in such a deep state of depression that i was ready to die.  the ONLY thing that kept me going was knowing the pain i would cause her if i did what i planned to do.  at that point we were talking sparingly due to various things, but she was always on my mind and in my dreams and the thought of what it would do to her stayed my hand on many an occasion. thats the one bit of my humanity i had left at that point in time.  after the betrayal of someone i thought was a friend and i actually had time to think without distraction and straighten my head out, she was the first person i went to see. and got an earful from her when i knocked on the door.  found out that she had been trying to find out what happened to me over the course of the days prior and during my arrest.  that served to reinforce what i always felt for her.  since then ive tried my best to support her in anyway i could with what resources i have.  weve made use of each others shoulders when we had issues and knew it would never get past the other.  that kind of trust you dont find just anywhere.  she is the one i love and the one i want to spend my life with.  if only i could....