after a royal screw up i made some time ago and adding a couple streets to a roadmap (which thankfully have blended in with the rest of it now so it cant be read) i posted up a new status on a messenger program from a song that i like. upon being asked about it i refrained from telling her what it was about as i wasnt sure how to explain it. upon reflection, the core reason is the same but ive been able to expand on it a bit to encompass other things. the core behind it is a constant desire to be with someone that quite frankly due to life circumstances is very difficult to be with. the lyric depicts someone thats in love with someone that barely notices him and reflects his desire to get close. while not the same with me in the strictest sense as i am best friends with this person, the desire to be closer than i am an not be able to is still very much there. theres a part of me i have to close off just about anytime im around anyone at all to keep from issues coming up. the peripheral i think is taking that on a more worldly scale. ive always been a loner so im used to solitude, but ive also found that whether intentionally or not i get left out of alot by other people and that gets me down at times. part of that i can attribute to my present circumstances but i still would like to know that i am noticed and cared about once in awhile other than when i happen to be around. ah well. life is what life is and im sure God will point in the right direction for what He has put me here for. one thing im confused about is something thats happened a couple times over the last week or so. the person im in love with, we have shared some shall we say "interesting" camera time. while im not complaining in the least about it, i wonder why she has chosen now to do this. i enjoy the time we share and treasure it as much as possible whether just a friendly chat or other things so i dont question it. shes been more of a friend to me than anyone ive known (and sincerely hopes it stays that way. i value what she has to offer in that capacity) and the one i love with all my heart. i still fall asleep each night with my arms around a pillow and an image of her in my mind, whether i want it there or not. thats about the crux of it.
other happenings going on. i think i finally got this poker thing figured out. ive learned patience can be quite valuable at the table and the standing show it. schoolwise its just about semesters end. one class is already done and im borderline on passing it (fucking speeches. lol) but the other three are going quite well. nice thing is three of these classes transfer over to the new major i just changed to. hopefully i can get some of the classes for it done this summer so ill be set financially. if i can do that ill be set. school will be good, legal bullshit will be done and in a year and a half to two years ill have a degree in a field that pays well and that i half enjoy. well see what happens :-)
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