benefits of double checking

im glad i double check some things afore they come due.  if i hadnt id have been out a thousand beans.  time to certify my enrollment for school and called to make sure the form i put in to change my direct deposit account went through.  come to find out they were ready to ship the money off to an account that doesnt exist anymore.  glad i got that straightened out quick

ah the joys of school....bleck

now i remember why i wanted to go into a mechanical field of study.  i hate schoolwork.  lol.  ive always been good at it.  maintained straight a's for the most part all through school.  just never really liked doing it.  ah well one of those neccesary evils to get places in this world.  least after this semester the blah shit will be out of the way.  four classes im not fond of in one round though isnt good on my insanity.  least my first speech is a subject i like talking about.  a good female friend of mine :-)  now just have to figure out what im going to write a belief paper about.  that one will wrack my brain for awhile.  while i can see my business class being useful it doesnt make it any more enjoyable.  very dry reading.  bleck.  my government class can get interesting though.  some of the political stuff that comes up makes for some interesting arguments on the discussion board.  only 14 more weeks.....

amazes me how quickly a mood can change....

when you have to bury your nose in a book you really like to keep from crying when you leave somewhere (one.  or in this case four) you know you really love em.  such was the case today when i got picked up from the one place that i truly feel i belong.  wish i could really describe the feeling i get when im at that house.  but i cant.  one of those matters of the heart i guess. why it is i love this woman so much and her kids is, as odd as this may sound, beyond me honestly. i have been in love with other women before i met her and been around kids, but my patience with the kids has always been real short.  with hers i truly want to be there for them and be around them and my patience is greatly expanded,  although i did lose it a little with the youngest today and felt bad about it immediately.  i truly do look forward to my time with them and when im there i do what i can to help them out with whatever they may be doing or in brandons case making sure i set time aside to play with him.  thats something ive never done before.  same thing with making sure i support them when they have extracirricular activities going on.  i went out of my way to show my support to them (which shocks the hell out of the oldest)  i want to make sure they know that someone really cares about what they do.  even if theres other things that i could and sometimes need to be doing,  i take the time to show my support.  as far as the other women ive been involved with, ive always been able to get over them within a month or so of breaking it off, even staying in contact with them as a friend. one of them is now married.  lol  but amy is different.  weve been on again off again since almost the day we met.  despite our disagreements which should have ended even our friendship (which says how strong that part of it is)  i cant get her out of my mind or my dreams at night.  something about her keeps pulling me in no matter what i try to do to let it go.  i just cant do it.  ive never felt as strongly for someone as i do her.  i get physically and emotionally sick anytime i try to take anything beyond a normal friendship.  i havent been with anyone in bed since her on my birthday in 2010 and to be honest unless its her, i wont ever again. its even at a point now that when i need relief i wont use any other stimulus other than my imagination or the pics and vids of her that i have. i wont betray my heart, even if it means being alone all my life. 

sleep deprived thought of the day

which coincidentally involves sleep.  or lack thereof.  think over the last year i can count how many nights ive had a full of run of rest on one hand.  one day i may understand my bodys apparent need for lack of sleep.  over the last several months theres even been a number of instances of staying up two to three days straight.  and not cause i was busy.  just couldnt sleep.  then theres been alot of things like last night.  i missed the third period of the blues game cause i was so tired.  lo and behold i wake up three hours later.  fuck this shit.....  i miss my sleep

musings of the day and other things that come to mind

this is mainly a journal of the day but as this is the first post it will include some things that have run through my mind over a bit of time.  first off a summary of the days events.  not an overly exciting day as most of it was taken up by class.  gotta love those necessary evils, but it gets me towards taking care of things and upping my support for someone that ive always tried to be there for the last couple years.  weve done more for each other than anyone has a right to have done for them.  and i know on my end im really appreciative of it. anyhow on with the day.  i got up earlier than i really wanted to although for when i went to bed i cant really complain.   got up about three and hopped on facebook to get some cartown jobs complete while i finished wakin up.  then did a couple discussion board posts for school that are due tonight.  got them done (bleck.  now i remember why i wanted a mechanical major) then threw in some beef stew for breakfast and my hockey game on my ps3.  about that time the one i love got up and we started our daily yahoo chatting.  always something to look forward to.  :)  from there got back onto the school site and finished off two quizzes for my business class leaving just one thing left for the day as far as school was concerned.  at the suggestion of my best friend (and thats still not high enough praise) i decided to hop in the bath for the first time since grade school.  idea being to try to let the hot water soothe out the muscles.  hopped in there for about 45 minutes tryin to relax.  it helped minimally which ill take, but the most i got out of it was a clean body.  which is a good thing.  lol  got into a couple spades tournaments after that and won one of em.  then moved back onto my hockey game for another couple games.  blues dominate, baby!  lol.  i know only in the virtual world although the real team has the potential.  after that just kind of sat around with my mind going at transwarp speed for awhile, details of which will come in a bit.  got my brains calmed down enough to do the last bit of homework i had to get done.  three chapters to read and discussion posts to do.  bleckity bleck bleck bleck.  but at least its all done now till the next week.  lol.  since then its been writing this thing so that covers the action of the day.  pretty uneventful.  highlight of it being chatting with the one i love.  which brings me to what my mind likes to wander to if it has a spare microsecond or in my dreams.

   met a girl a little over two years ago now.  im still trying to figure out what possessed me to go to the bar that night to begin with as at that time i wasnt much for the bar scene at all, and who i thought was the dj for the night wasnt one i was overly fond of.  anyhow...i walk in the place and see someone new at the dials. i wont say it was love at first sight as i dont believe in that but there was a connection right away that i have never felt before or since.  one of those inexplicable things. over the course of time we developed a very strong friendship thats withstood more shit than a friendship has any right of surviving.  we have both told each other that if ANYONE else had done the things that we have to each other whether intentionally or not,  wed have pretty much said see ya and never seen the other again.  but something always has drawn us back together.  weve explored a romantic relationship on two occasions although the first was real short lived.  the second time around got a little more serious.  to the point we bandied about possibly getting together permanently sometime down the road if things played out right.  she has three absolutely amazing children that i would still be happy to call mine.  thing is she's also married (on paper anyway,  in her heart it aint there.  or at least not wholeheartedly)  while she did (and i still believe does in some capacity still has) strong feelings for me, outside of the two stints we were together, she has tried to convince me to move on to someone else.  while i cant argue the logic of it,  something inside me even now doesnt allow me to.  anytime i try (and i have on several occasions after our second break.  between the first and second i just bided my time)  to pick up on someone else beyond a casual friendship, i always, ALWAYS, wind up feeling guilty about even making an attempt at it.  i know im not betraying her at all, but  its still a betrayal of my true feelings in my heart.   im again at the point where i dont even look to get with anyone else.  even though i know my chance of being with her is slim. she doesnt quite believe it but she is a major factor in my still being alive.  earlier this year i was in such a deep state of depression that i was ready to die.  the ONLY thing that kept me going was knowing the pain i would cause her if i did what i planned to do.  at that point we were talking sparingly due to various things, but she was always on my mind and in my dreams and the thought of what it would do to her stayed my hand on many an occasion. thats the one bit of my humanity i had left at that point in time.  after the betrayal of someone i thought was a friend and i actually had time to think without distraction and straighten my head out, she was the first person i went to see. and got an earful from her when i knocked on the door.  found out that she had been trying to find out what happened to me over the course of the days prior and during my arrest.  that served to reinforce what i always felt for her.  since then ive tried my best to support her in anyway i could with what resources i have.  weve made use of each others shoulders when we had issues and knew it would never get past the other.  that kind of trust you dont find just anywhere.  she is the one i love and the one i want to spend my life with.  if only i could....